We were on the verge of discovering that this area, once thought to be all there was to our lives, was in fact a confined area bubbled from the lush greenery outside, the real world. Then I went to my room for some reason, where my old bed in Lagoon View suddenly materialised. I checked my alarm clock, and suddenly realised I was ridiculously late for work in camp. That was when I heard distant ringing, the camera closed up to my face which showed signs of a dawning realisation, and I was pulled back as if at hyperspeed to reality. Reality on my bed, sweaty from the humidity, reality realising it's six o'clock in the morning and I'm not actually late for work. Also realising that my alarm clock, bloody high pitched as it is, has been ringing for some time and will surely by now have woken my parents too, two rooms away. I don't dream a lot these days.

I've been wanting to blog for a long time, update this extension of my online self that hasn't been refreshed for a long time now. I feel like I've actually got a lot to jot down, but I can't seem to want to or be able to put it down in words.

Simply put, I feel I've changed quite a bit since the two long sailings I've had the benefit of experiencing. I feel I've changed, but I can't pinpoint what it is that has changed, and whether it's been of significant impact. 

I'm a person who always wants to analyse why I feel a certain strong feeling at a point of time. If I'm frustrated or upset, I start asking why's that so? Is it one thing or a few things that's got me riled up, and why's it affecting me so much? Same too for when I experience happiness, but in those cases, I tend to be able to easily pinpoint it since it doesn't often come as bundled goods more so than it does with upset. 

But I digress. So I feel I've changed, but I don't know how. I feel like a slightly different person, but when I break it down, I still have many parts of me that existed before. Ones that were irritating, others that were... less so. 

The other day, I looked through my weekend phone (cool I like the sound of that) and realised that my message log dates back to as long ago as January this year. It's got about 1.1k worth of messages there, and there's a big gap where half of February, March, and a bit of April and May where things are concerned. Through the messages, I can see some things have changed. Some people I talked to before the sailings, I talked to less, and some after the sailings, I talk to more. We talk about different things, different plans and different now redundant 'sorry's and 'haha's. It could put things into perspective, show me how I might have changed, but it doesn't much. 

Should it bother me that I feel I've changed but I can't really tell how? I think for a person like me, it should and shouldn't. Should because I'm precisely the kind of odd person who wants to break certain things down to their essential bits, yet shouldn't because it's been a long time now, and maybe I should just continue forward, and perhaps see soon that the more things change, the more they stay the same. 

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