pessimism once more
Monday, September 29, 2008
I'm done.
The thrill I wished to get wasn't there. It wasn't replaced by the feeling of nonchalance that I never want to feel, (the one that comes as a result of having played during the exams even before they were over) but with the slight pang of dread that I anticipate my results.
I've probably mentioned this to some of you before, but this constant need for me not to have that feeling of nonchalance is far more necessary than one of dread. It originated from the results day of PSLE, when my hopes of my parents. teachers and myself were crushed upon realising I scored a dismal 217. I know a few people expected me to get the mid 240s, myself included. While this feeling didn't really pass on to my lower secondary school life, every subsequent exam was the same thing, pushing myself to study not because of the grades, but because ultimately, I don't want to know I didn't put in my best, or the next closest match.
This time I did, I genuinely believe I gave it a 90%. The ten percent was for the late start. Yet I don't feel like I should reward myself, the pressure I place on myself to promote is too great to discount the likely possibility of failing the promotion criteria. After all, my results for the Mid-years was horrendous.
I can't tell if it's pessimism or just realism. All I hope is that i'll be pleasantly surprised by the results. Man. What a depressing post.
I really want to get a new computer soon. Perhaps at the end of this year. And I want to get a table too, but this A4 similar aspect ratio one is going to set me back by 700 bucks. I can get it from my scholarship money, (600) the sale of the Love Hina collection that I finalised with my friend, (70) and the upcoming job that my brother has for me for designing a flash webpage for a band (200). Don't want to spend it all though. Got to tuck away some in the bank for next time. That next time might come with the Dubai trip...
The webpage design thing is a bit complicated. I can't code, but I can create a flash document complete with rollover links and animation. My brother says that's fine, all I have to do is do that, and someone else will take care of the hosting details. Can't help but feel he might be underpaying me though... lol.
posted by joseph at 5:58 PM