its pretty depressing when one only thinks of suspicion when observing the mannerisms of his brothers. sadly, this is very much true to my case. things that issac does near my computer table, i keep a wary eye. when gabriel cooks something, i cant help but wonder if something may go wrong. when issac breaks a glass, i find him helplessly retarded. the thing is, i have too broken a glass. sometimes without people telling me, i know im hypocritical. but this is not the point. my family as a unit had gone to the point where i do not miss gabriel or issac a bit when they make themselves scarce for whatever reason. maybe we all grow up to be like that sooner or later. expecially when brothers start going to the army. will your younger sister miss your presence when you leave for the army? i have often wished for a younger brother. did i ever divulge? the very first time when i took leadership as a peer leader, doing orientation day for the sec ones, some of the boys got a little too rowdy. they werent listening to hadi or the other peer leader girl. so i shouted for them to siddown and listenup. and when i did so (they obliged lah) it felt awesome. to actually have someone younger listen to me and do as i said. no ego or controlling madness here, simply a new feeling id never experienced before. i often wonder, if i did have a younger brother or sister, would i treat him or her the way i would conduct myself now (supposing i had one lah), with kindness and care, or would i usually react with jealousy at the loss of attention (in my younger years lah) and resent him or her?

in an unrelated case, joel asked a simple question at dinner today, seeing so many churchgoers leaving city harvest. he asked what a day of church usually consisted of, and proceeded to ask what would happen if the priest ran out of bible material to cover. well. my father then proceeded to bombard us with bible talk, like how he still believes in Jesus and God, as well as the crusades, his shaken belief in the churches nowadays and so on and so forth. every not so often he would stop to eat his food. ohmygod then he would begin again. with renewed vigour. i was thinking, he is just like some bloody city harvest tout. some friend whom you meet up, shares different interests and proceedes to shell you with information on the latest in animal fashion or some obscure or far gone or useless information deemed in your eyes. you cannot stop him or her, for that would be utterly rude. and so you just sit. and sit. and listen. he then went on to talk about the Spanish inquisition, where the jews were tied to stakes... and there was a spike behind the poor guys head (Keep in mind dinner is still progressing) and then he had to stop. we just stopped him there. too f**ken out of point and disgusting to talk at a t a bloody dinner table.

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